yvannairie | Long week, long week.

So, after this happened earlier this week, I've been experiencing a building pressure inside my head -- the way I do when there's something I know I'm not allowing myself to think about. And I had honestly planned to write today, since work is such a good brainstorming time, but instead of Lovealikes, I ended up brainstorming that problem, and I think I'm in a better place about it now.

Turns out, yeah, I'd been kind of... dismissing just how bad the sense of personal betrayal over what happened with my friend was, and while I was trying to brainstorm a way to start rebuilding the trust I'd lost (starting very small, eventually -- that well is poisoned down to its bottom right now, and we'll need to let it dry out first) I slipped into ranting in my head about all the things I want to say but feel like I can't.

I was honestly expecting it to go awry -- get caught up in anticipating their response or beating on myself for "going too far", but to my surprise it... didn't? And for the moment I thought it would, I actually managed to blink and realise that they wouldn't need to find out about any of it, because it was, in fact, all in my head -- a technique I'd gotten more comfortable with thanks to having to relearn managing intrusive thoughts.

And just managing to get all that bile and hurt and condemnation and righteous anger out, instead of pressing down on it, instead of arguing back on it, instead of constantly needing to jerk back to a "broader view" of how my emotions, if expressed, might affect my situation... It honestly helped a lot, way more than I expected it to. I also managed to work out the first tentative step on how to address the situation, but the bigger gain was just a deep sense of relief and calm.

And probably the best thing about it is that afterwards, it kind of clicked for me that it was probably always going to be okay. I'm good to myself, when I let myself be -- or, at least, I will eventually be. That excellent brain I use to solve other people's problems is my brain, I'm smug and cocky and convinced that I'm a Cassandra who speaks the truth to an ungrateful audience, and I am, actually, entirely correct, to the point where I'm capable of being that ungrateful audience. I am not wrong about myself. The things I rely on are not delusions or self-deception.

Also, my friend is not my enemy in this. This is not chess, this is not war -- it's not really even an argument, yet, and if it becomes one that's fine, it's an argument we're on the same side of. I don't trust them, and I'm hurt and raw because of what they did, but I trust them to be my friend. I don't have to defend myself against them, I don't need an exit strategy, that's not how this works but I also don't need to punish and push myself and keep myself neutral because that's not how this works, either. Whatever space this needs, it will have, and we'll be better off afterwards.

Lastly, for comic relief, I went to get my prescription renewed today and it got me thinking about how last time this year, something like this would have absolutely not ended with me feeling happy and relieved, largely due to my meds not having really "kicked in" properly, and my brain chemistry still being a bit of a mess. And that made me, entirely facetiously but with full sincerity, lament in my brain about how it's so unfair that even though my meds make my brain good, more meds won't make my brain even better

Like, no, self, you won't kill yourself like that but it won't be good for you either.