Tensions

[yvannairie]

I went and added some commentary on a post about communication (as you do) and now I'm sitting here struggling with my brain going "see? Speech is an action, therefore talking about your thoughts qualifies as acting on them"

Which is a really bad rabbit hole to go down when you have OCD and intense intrusive thoughts and a horrible pattern of blaming yourself on shit that was brought about by failures on both sides of the social equation. Because it's true that if people treat me like shit based on the way I talk to them, then that's entirely deserved, but at the same time, me saying "I sometimes think about how bad I am for my friends, how I'm always going to hurt them and how being my friend is an ordeal"... won't make it true, because things cannot be true just because I think them.

I don't know how to square the circle of communication being something you need to consciously do that isn't an action. Not all speech is even equal in this regard, because even I recognise that sometimes saying things that make others feel bad is not the same as being verbally violent with them, and the other way around. With speech, intent matters so much -- with a physical action, it either hurt the target or it didn't, but with speech you always need to consider whether something was intended to inform or to manipulate, whether it was proactive or reactive, whether it was truthful or misinformed, before you can even get to "did it cause harm"?

Comments

[shadaras]

Yeah, I feel like there's a huge intentionality thing that your brainweasels are trying to make you ignore?

Like, you can say 'There is a thought in my head that I should do X'. Saying that is not doing X, nor is it even necessarily stating an intent to do X. It might just be you expressing frustration that your brainweasels are trying to make you do X when you don't want to.

I also think that 'did this cause harm?' is a different axis than 'was this intended to cause harm?', but that's also its own can of worms sometimes.

[hellofriendsiminthedark]

"Harm" is also subjective as a concept, because like... I think often about the fact that a surgeon's job is to inflict harm onto others, but this harm is lauded. The same harm done by a non-surgeon would be violence, but the surgeon's harm is viewed as positive, despite how absolutely awful recovering from surgery is (if a full recovery is even possible). To that extent, there are times when something needs to be said, and saying it causes harm, but it's not necessarily a violent or strictly negative harm. Talking about trauma can hurt, but it's often something victims want to do and it's a positive thing to do. Talking about boundaries can lead to awkwardness and resentment, but boundaries need to be established some way or another. Making note of somebody's problematic behavior can hurt the problematic person's feelings, but there's a huge difference between those engaging in "callout culture" and puritan attacks and those who have legitimate good faith concerns and approach with the intention of being accommodating and compassionate.