Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at, but at least I have the excuse of Everyone Knowing I'm Disabled and understanding that me swinging between wildly cheerful and sociable and closed-off and indifferent is a combination of pain, overstimulation and preference. And it kinda sucks when you've been at the same job for several years and you kinda want the people there to know you don't resent them, but you just have no way of expressing it because the way you show friendliness is just so, so different. So I put on a customer service voice -- the same I use with customers on the beat, actually -- which apparently makes me sound genuinely engaged with people so that. Helps. Kinda.
IDK, I'm not exactly looking to make friends with any of my coworkers or anything, pretty much all of them have poisoned me in regards to one part of my life or other and I have zero interest in justifying myself on an existential level to someone I only see 20 hours a week, but it's also kinda exhausting to just perpetually perform. I do that so much. I have so few places I can be authentic in, and even if my job is never going to be somewhere where I'm genuinely myself, not even having anyone there who knows and acknowledges that everything I do takes effort really bums me out.
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Date: 31/10/19 20:44 (UTC)IDK, I'm not exactly looking to make friends with any of my coworkers or anything, pretty much all of them have poisoned me in regards to one part of my life or other and I have zero interest in justifying myself on an existential level to someone I only see 20 hours a week, but it's also kinda exhausting to just perpetually perform. I do that so much. I have so few places I can be authentic in, and even if my job is never going to be somewhere where I'm genuinely myself, not even having anyone there who knows and acknowledges that everything I do takes effort really bums me out.